thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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