I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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