Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
