Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
