someone threw a dead crab at me
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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