i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
