dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
