Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
you had me at cake vodka
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
