I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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