this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
