saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I need a beard to bite.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
