She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
