I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
