I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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