Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
