Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
be right there i have to get my cape
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
