We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
