At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
