Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
