True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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