Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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