my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
