i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
