so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
That was before I lit my hair on fire
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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