Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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