she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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