Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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