I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
3 2 1 whiskey
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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