EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
