im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
