What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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