i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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