She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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