We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
