Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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