Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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