She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
she smelled like a LAN party
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
