i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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