Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Randomize
