Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
