Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Randomize
