how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It's blow job season.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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