I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
