I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
