i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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