I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
