Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
