now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
