i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize