Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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