i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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