Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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