Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
