She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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