Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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