Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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