yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
