I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
