why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
