And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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