Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My life is pants optional.
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